Rules For Fair Fighting

 

McHenry Counseling Fair Fighting Rules

1. KAHFOOTY (Keep All Hands, Feet, and Other Objects to Yourself): Prioritize physical and emotional safety by avoiding physical aggression, intimidation, or throwing objects.

2. Avoid Contempt: Refrain from sarcasm, mockery, eye-rolling, or dismissive behavior. Treat your partner with respect and empathy, even in disagreement.

3. Focus on the Issue: Address one issue at a time without bringing up unrelated past grievances or complaints.

4. Use 'I' Statements: Express your thoughts and feelings with “I feel…” rather than placing blame with “You always…” or “You never…”

5. Avoid Name-Calling and Insults: Refrain from personal attacks or derogatory language that can damage trust and emotional safety.

6. Practice Active Listening: Listen to your partner’s perspective without interrupting. Reflect and clarify to ensure understanding before responding.

7. Take Breaks When Needed: If the conversation becomes too heated, agree to pause and cool off before resuming the discussion.

8. Set Clear Boundaries: Agree on rules for disagreements, such as no yelling, walking away, or slamming doors unless a cooling-off period is agreed upon.

9. Use Nonviolent Communication: Express your feelings and needs without blame or judgment. Focus on problem-solving instead of assigning fault.

10. Stay Solution-Oriented: Work together as a team to find a compromise or resolution, rather than trying to "win" the argument.

11. Take Responsibility for Your Role: Own your actions and words during the disagreement. Acknowledge when you are wrong and apologize sincerely.

12. Avoid Absolutes: Avoid using phrases like “always” or “never,” as they can exaggerate the issue and escalate the conflict.

13. Seek to Understand, Not to Win: Focus on understanding your partner’s feelings and needs rather than proving your point.

14. Apologize and Forgive: Be willing to apologize for mistakes and extend forgiveness to move forward with a clean slate.

15. Maintain a Growth Mindset: View disagreements as opportunities to learn and strengthen your relationship rather than as obstacles.

These strategies foster respectful, constructive communication and help couples resolve conflicts while maintaining a strong and healthy relationship.