The Danger of Absolutes in Communication

 

Have you ever found yourself in an argument that spiraled out of control, only to realize it all started with a single word—always or never? These words, known as absolutes, function like emotional grenades in communication, exploding any chance of a rational discussion and leaving behind confusion, frustration, and possibly the need for chocolate therapy. While absolutes might feel good to say in the heat of the moment (You never do the dishes!), they rarely reflect reality and often lead to unnecessary misunderstandings and heightened emotions.

This blog explores how absolutes shape conversations, why they tend to be inaccurate, and how you can communicate more effectively without them—because honestly, nobody always needs an argument at 8 a.m. over who left the milk out.

What Are Absolutes in Communication?

Absolutes are words or phrases that imply something is completely one way or another, with no room for nuance—kind of like saying pineapple should never be on pizza (controversial, I know). Common examples include:

• You always ignore me.
• You never listen to what I say.
• Everybody thinks that way.
• Nobody cares.
• This will never work.
• Things always go wrong for me.

Using absolutes is like declaring that your Wi-Fi never works when, in reality, it mostly works—except at the most inconvenient moments, like when you're trying to stream the season finale of your favorite show. Life is rarely that black and white, and neither are most conversations.

Why Do We Use Absolutes?

There are a few psychological reasons absolutes sneak into our conversations.

1. Emotional Expression – When we’re frustrated, angry, or hurt, absolutes help us express our emotions with extra flair. Saying You never help me carries more weight than Sometimes I feel unsupported, much like saying This coffee is the worst thing I’ve ever tasted! when it’s just mildly disappointing. The exaggeration makes it feel more impactful, but it usually just makes the listener defensive.

2. Cognitive Bias – Our brains love patterns. If something bad happens three times, we start believing it's always going to happen. It’s like assuming that because your last three plants died, you have no gardening skills (RIP, ficus). In reality, maybe you just need to stop forgetting to water them.

3. Dramatic Effect – Absolutes make things sound bigger and more important. Saying I will never forgive you sounds way more dramatic than I’m struggling to forgive you right now. But, much like using a foghorn when an indoor voice would do, the intensity can drown out the real message.

4. Persuasion and Control – Sometimes, absolutes are used to shut down a conversation. Everybody agrees with me! can make it seem like no other opinion matters—kind of like when a toddler insists that bedtime is never going to happen (spoiler alert: it always does).

5. Blame and Shame as a Communication Tactic – Absolutes can be verbal booby traps. Saying You never care about my feelings puts the other person on the defensive, making them focus on proving you wrong instead of addressing the actual issue. It’s like trying to have a calm discussion with a raccoon—you just end up in a mess of emotions and regret.

The Problems with Absolutes

While absolutes might feel satisfying in the moment, they usually create more problems than they solve—kind of like using duct tape to fix a leaky pipe. It seems like a good idea at first, but pretty soon, everything's wet, and you’re just mad at the tape.

1. They Are Rarely True – Saying You always forget my birthday! when the other person only forgot once makes it hard for them to see your real concern. It’s like telling someone they never pick up their socks when, technically, they did—just that one time, back in 2012.

2. They Invite Arguments – Absolutes are easy to challenge. If someone says, You always leave the dishes in the sink, the other person will instantly remember that one time they washed a spoon and feel vindicated. Instead of discussing the real issue (doing more chores), the conversation turns into a courtroom debate.

3. They Increase Emotional Intensity – Absolutes can turn a minor disagreement into a full-blown emotional showdown. Saying You never support me feels like an attack, while I could really use more support invites understanding. One feels like dodging emotional grenades; the other feels like an open door to conversation.

4. They Shut Down Problem-Solving – Statements like Nothing ever changes or This will never work create a mental dead-end. It’s like deciding you’ll never learn to cook after one bad attempt at making lasagna. Instead of looking for a way forward, absolutes make things seem hopeless.

5. They Trigger Defensive Reactions – When people feel unfairly accused, they focus on proving they’re not what you said rather than addressing the real issue. It’s like a referee throwing a red card the second someone trips—things escalate fast, and no one wins.

How to Avoid the Trap of Absolutes

1. Use Specific Examples – Instead of You never listen, try I felt unheard earlier when I was telling you about my day and you were on your phone. This keeps the conversation focused on the issue, not a sweeping accusation.

2. Replace Absolutes with Softer Language – Swap always and never for sometimes or often. Saying You often interrupt me is much easier to discuss than You always interrupt me. It’s like switching from a wrecking ball to a gentle nudge.

3. Use De-Escalating Statements – Try phrases like:

   • I feel… (I feel overwhelmed when I don’t get a response to my messages.)
   • I notice… (I notice that when we talk about this, we both get frustrated.)
   • I need… (I need a little more help around the house to feel less stressed.)
   • It seems like… (It seems like we’re both feeling unheard right now.)

   These statements help shift the conversation away from blame and toward problem-solving—kind of like choosing to defuse the bomb instead of throwing it.

4. Ask Clarifying Questions – Instead of refuting an absolute, ask for more details: What makes you feel that I never listen? This turns the conversation into a dialogue rather than a debate.

5. Reframe Your Perspective – Instead of thinking, Nothing ever goes right for me, try, Lately, I’ve been struggling, but I’ve had good moments, too. It's like adjusting the brightness on a camera—suddenly, you see more than just the shadows.

Communicating with Clarity

Absolutes might seem like a good way to emphasize a point, but they usually cause more harm than good—like using a chainsaw to cut a birthday cake. When used to blame or shame, they trigger defensiveness instead of understanding. But by using more balanced, specific language, we create space for real conversations. So next time you feel an always or never creeping in, take a step back. You might just find the discussion goes much smoother—kind of like butter on toast… unless you're out of butter, in which case, life is always unfair.