Breaking Free from Perfection: Understanding and Overcoming an Over-Controlled Personality
The Conceptual Meaning of Over-Controlled Personality
An over-controlled personality involves strict regulation of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to maintain control in nearly all aspects of life. Individuals with this personality trait often feel an intense need to avoid risks, prevent mistakes, and suppress emotional expression (Lynch et al., 2015). This rigid style of emotional control can stem from a fear of failure, a need for approval, or a deep-seated belief that emotional expression is dangerous or inappropriate. As a result, individuals with over-controlled personalities may struggle to connect with others on an emotional level, avoid uncertainty, and experience chronic stress.
Development of an Over-Controlled Personality: Childhood to Adulthood
An over-controlled personality is often rooted in childhood experiences, shaped by both environmental and familial factors. Children raised in highly controlled or rigid households may develop over-controlled tendencies as a survival mechanism. In such environments, emotional expression may be discouraged, and children may learn to suppress their feelings to avoid conflict, punishment, or rejection (Baumrind, 1966). These children may internalize the belief that they must maintain strict control over their emotions and behaviors to gain approval or avoid criticism.
As these children grow into adulthood, the over-controlled tendencies can become deeply ingrained. The transition to adulthood, with its inherent uncertainties and need for flexibility, can exacerbate feelings of anxiety and perfectionism. Adults with over-controlled personalities often feel an intense pressure to perform perfectly in both their personal and professional lives, leading to chronic stress, anxiety, and social isolation (Whelton & Greenberg, 2005). Over time, these behaviors can contribute to the development of mental health conditions.
Mental Health Conditions Related to Over-Controlled Personality
Several mental health conditions are closely linked to an over-controlled personality. These conditions often involve traits like emotional suppression, excessive rigidity, and heightened self-control.
Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD): Individuals with OCPD exhibit excessive perfectionism, orderliness, and control. They may become preoccupied with details, rules, and schedules to the point where they lose flexibility and struggle to engage in meaningful relationships (Cain et al., 2020).
Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD): Over-controlled individuals are more prone to developing GAD, as they tend to worry excessively about uncertainties and potential negative outcomes. Their desire to control every aspect of their life can lead to chronic anxiety and restlessness (Roemer & Orsillo, 2002).
Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD): The fear of judgment or failure in social settings often leads over-controlled individuals to avoid social interactions. They may worry excessively about making mistakes or not living up to perceived standards in social environments, further contributing to social isolation (Alden & Taylor, 2004).
Depression: Emotional suppression and a constant drive for perfectionism can lead to depression, as individuals with over-controlled personalities may feel emotionally disconnected and isolated. The ongoing pressure to maintain control can lead to feelings of hopelessness and low self-esteem (Gross & John, 2003).
Experiences that Contribute to the Development of Over-Controlled Behavior
Several key experiences in childhood and adolescence can contribute to the development of an over-controlled personality:
Authoritarian Parenting: Children raised by authoritarian parents, who are highly controlling and place strict demands on their behavior, are more likely to develop over-controlled tendencies. These children may suppress their emotions to avoid punishment or disapproval (Baumrind, 1966).
High Expectations and Pressure: Children who grow up in environments where perfection and success are highly valued may internalize the belief that they must be perfect to be accepted. This can lead to chronic perfectionism and emotional suppression in adulthood (Flett et al., 2002).
Lack of Emotional Validation: If a child’s emotions are routinely dismissed or punished, they may learn to suppress their feelings as a means of self-protection. This can result in an over-controlled approach to emotional regulation in adulthood (Lynch et al., 2015).
Techniques and Skills to Address Over-Controlled Behavior
If you find yourself exhibiting over-controlled behavior, it is possible to make meaningful changes through intentional practice and the development of specific skills. Here are several techniques that can help:
1. Mindfulness and Emotional Awareness
Mindfulness practices can help individuals with over-controlled tendencies become more aware of their thoughts and emotions without judgment. Techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, and mindful observation can reduce the tendency to suppress emotions and allow for healthier emotional expression (Roemer & Orsillo, 2002).
2. Cognitive Restructuring
Cognitive restructuring involves identifying and challenging unhelpful thoughts that contribute to over-control. For example, perfectionistic thoughts like "I must not make mistakes" can be replaced with more balanced thoughts like "Mistakes are a natural part of learning." This shift in thinking can reduce anxiety and rigid control (Whelton & Greenberg, 2005).
3. Exposure to Uncertainty
Gradual exposure to uncertainty can help reduce the fear and anxiety associated with unpredictability. This could involve taking small risks, such as allowing a day without a strict schedule or accepting help from others. Over time, exposure to uncertainty helps individuals develop resilience and flexibility (Roemer & Orsillo, 2002).
4. Emotional Expression and Communication
Learning to express emotions openly is essential for overcoming the rigid control associated with this personality type. Individuals can practice sharing their feelings with trusted friends, family, or therapists. Journaling or creative outlets can also provide safe spaces for emotional expression (Greenberg, 2004).
5. Self-Compassion
Developing self-compassion can help reduce the harsh self-criticism often present in over-controlled individuals. By treating oneself with kindness and understanding during difficult moments, individuals can reduce perfectionistic tendencies and increase emotional flexibility (Neff, 2003).
6. Therapeutic Support
Therapies like Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) or Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) can be particularly helpful for individuals with over-controlled personalities. These therapies focus on emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and learning how to express emotions in a healthy and balanced manner (Linehan, 1993).
Conclusion
An over-controlled personality often stems from early experiences of emotional suppression, high expectations, and rigid environments. While these behaviors can lead to mental health challenges like anxiety, depression, and OCPD, individuals can develop skills to cultivate a more balanced and flexible approach to life. Techniques like mindfulness, cognitive restructuring, emotional expression, and self-compassion can help those struggling with over-control loosen their grip on perfectionism and embrace a healthier, more emotionally fulfilling life.
References
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Cain, N. M., Ansell, E. B., & Pincus, A. L. (2020). Interpersonal rigidity in obsessive-compulsive personality disorder: Toward a broader conceptualization. Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment, 11(2), 75–87. https://doi.org/10.1037/per0000387
Flett, G. L., Hewitt, P. L., Oliver, J. M., & Macdonald, S. (2002). Perfectionism in children and their parents: A developmental analysis. In G. L. Flett & P. L. Hewitt (Eds.), Perfectionism: Theory, research, and treatment (pp. 89–132). American Psychological Association.
Greenberg, L. S. (2004). Emotion-focused therapy. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 11(1), 3–16. https://doi.org/10.1002/cpp.388
Gross, J. J., & John, O. P. (2003). Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes: Implications for affect, relationships, and well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 85(2), 348–362. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.85.2.348
Lynch, T. R., Hempel, R. J., & Dunkley, C. (2015). Overcontrolled and undercontrolled personality disorders: An emotion regulation spectrum approach. Journal of Personality Disorders, 29(4), 481–502. https://doi.org/10.1521/pedi.2015.29.4.481
Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032
Roemer, L., & Orsillo, S. M. (2002). Expanding our conceptualization of and treatment for generalized anxiety disorder: Integrating mindfulness/acceptance-based approaches with existing cognitive-behavioral models. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 9(1), 54–68. https://doi.org/10.1093/clipsy.9.1.54
Whelton, W. J., & Greenberg, L. S. (2005). Emotion in self-criticism. Personality and Individual Differences, 38(7), 1583–1595. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2004.09.024
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