Raising Resilient and Thriving Children: A Guide for Parents of Trauma

Parents who have experienced trauma often grapple with balancing their nurturing instincts and their fears. This can sometimes result in enabling or disabling behaviors, which, while well-intentioned, can hinder a child's development and resilience. Understanding these behaviors and learning how to avoid them is crucial for fostering a healthy and supportive parenting style.

Enabling Behaviors

Enabling behaviors occur when parents inadvertently prevent their children from facing consequences or challenges, often out of a desire to protect them from harm or distress. These actions can impede a child's ability to develop independence and problem-solving skills.

Examples of Enabling Behaviors:

• Overprotectiveness: Shielding children from every potential risk or failure. For example, Sarah, the mother mentioned earlier, might refuse to let her children play sports for fear of injury, thereby limiting their opportunities for physical and social development.

• Rescuing: Constantly intervening to solve children's problems. This might involve doing their homework for them or mediating all their conflicts, preventing them from learning conflict resolution and accountability.

How to Avoid Enabling Behaviors:

1. Encourage Problem-Solving: Allow your children to face age-appropriate challenges and guide them in finding solutions. For instance, if a child forgets their homework, discuss how they can avoid this in the future instead of rushing to bring it to school.

2. Promote Independence: Gradually increase your child's responsibilities, such as managing their own schedules or chores, to build confidence and self-sufficiency. Think of it as training wheels on a bike, slowly preparing them to ride on their own.

3. Set Clear Boundaries: Establish and maintain consistent rules and consequences. This helps children understand expectations and learn from their actions.

Disabling Behaviors

Disabling behaviors, on the other hand, occur when parents, often unknowingly, diminish their children's sense of capability or self-worth. This can stem from projecting their own fears or unresolved trauma onto their children.

Examples of Disabling Behaviors:

• Criticism: Constantly pointing out flaws or mistakes can erode a child's self-esteem. Mike, from our earlier example, might struggle with this due to his own feelings of inadequacy, unintentionally passing these feelings onto his children.

• Over-Control: Micromanaging every aspect of a child's life, leaving little room for autonomy. This can make children feel powerless and dependent.

How to Avoid Disabling Behaviors:

1. Foster a Growth Mindset: Encourage effort and resilience rather than focusing on perfection. Praise your children for their hard work and persistence, helping them understand that mistakes are part of learning. Picture a tree growing strong and tall, even after weathering storms.

2. Provide Emotional Support: Be attentive and empathetic to your children's feelings and experiences. Validate their emotions without judgment, showing that you are a safe space for them to express themselves.

3. Empower Decision-Making: Allow children to make choices appropriate for their age. This might involve letting them pick out their clothes or decide on weekend activities, thereby boosting their confidence and decision-making skills.

Personal Accounts: Overcoming Enabling and Disabling Behaviors

Lisa, a parent who survived childhood abuse, found herself being overly critical and controlling with her son, fearing that leniency would lead to danger. Through therapy and self-reflection, Lisa learned to balance guidance with autonomy. She began to praise her son’s efforts and allowed him more freedom to make decisions, leading to a noticeable improvement in his confidence and independence.

Another parent, Tom, who dealt with significant neglect, initially overprotected his daughter, not wanting her to experience any pain. By attending a parenting support group, Tom realized the importance of letting his daughter face challenges. He started encouraging her to solve her own problems, which helped her become more resilient and self-reliant.

Conclusion

Avoiding enabling and disabling behaviors is crucial for fostering resilience in children, especially for parents who have experienced trauma. By encouraging independence, setting clear boundaries, and providing emotional support, parents can help their children develop the skills and confidence needed to navigate life’s challenges. Remember, parenting after trauma is a journey of growth for both parent and child, much like a gardener tending to a diverse garden, each plant needing different care but all thriving under the right conditions.

References

American Psychological Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Washington, DC: Author.

Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. Delacorte Press.

Van Der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.

In-Text Citations

• The effects of trauma on parenting can manifest in various ways, including anxiety, hypervigilance, and emotional withdrawal (American Psychological Association, 2013).
• Self-awareness and healing are crucial steps for parents to manage their trauma and provide better care for their children (Brown, 2012).
• Creating a consistent and predictable environment helps children feel secure and supported (Siegel & Bryson, 2011).
• Building a support network and seeking professional help are important strategies for resilient parenting (Van Der Kolk, 2014).

By implementing these strategies and steering clear of enabling and disabling behaviors, parents who have experienced trauma can create a positive and nurturing environment for their children, helping them to grow into resilient and thriving individuals.